Gender Identity Practitioner Toolkit
3. Gender, Sex and Sexual Orientation
Gender, sex and sexuality are different aspects of someone’s identity. In the UK at the current time, for many people these all line up in a particular way, for example: male, masculine and heterosexual, female, feminine and heterosexual. For many others their identity is not in line with the majority and can be a combination of these. As a result, there is a need to ‘come out’ as different to what is perceived as ‘normal’. This can be a stressful and scary process and can result in rejection, prejudice, and discrimination. If received well it can also result in feeling accepted, authentic, and belonging. Fear of ‘coming out’ or being different can make people try and fit in with the norm and feel uncomfortable and disconnected as they are not able to be themselves.
A person’s gender identity refers to an individual’s felt gender identification, while gender expression refers to how a person presents their gender identity. People may express their gender in masculine or feminine ways, but they may also present in ways that are both or neither.
“It is the gender that is me.” (young person in Dorset)
Practitioner tip:
Using inclusive language and openly signalling your acceptance of different identities can make it easier for young people to talk about how they feel about their identity. For example, instead of ‘boys and girls’ use ‘everyone’, or instead of ‘have you got a boyfriend?’ say ‘have you got a partner?’, instead of ‘are you wearing a dress to your prom?’ ask ‘what do you want to wear to your prom?’ Consider all hobbies and interests for young people rather than promoting stereotypical gender divisions – e.g. sport for boys and crafts for girls.
Reflection point:
Have you ever tried to fit in where you don’t feel you belong? Have you ever felt someone expecting you to act in a way that is not natural to you? How did it feel? How would it feel to wear someone else’s clothes for the day?
But how do you know your gender identity? Young People have told us that it can feel like a pair of shoes!
“Gender identity is a lot like a pair of shoes. If you have on a good, comfortable, well-fitting pair, you don’t notice it or think about it. As you walk around you aren’t constantly thinking about your shoes and the comfort, it’s just there and fine and normal and it doesn’t concern you one single bit. It’s almost hard to notice because if they feel fine it seems too silly and unimportant to spend energy thinking about it.
But if your shoes are too small and tight or there is a stone in them, it’s all you can think about.
Every step is annoying and miserable, and you don’t want to do anything else until you fix that damned stone. Doing anything else seems crazy until your shoes stop hurting you.
So, in that sense, most people probably can’t really conceptualize the feeling of their gender identity well, because it just fits right and always has, so it’s hard to imagine how all the small, normal things just constantly feel wrong, even if you are alone in your home”.
(Young people – “T” group, Weymouth)
Practitioner tip:
Many adults tell us that they knew at a very young age what their gender identity and sexuality were, although they understood it in a child-like way. Although research and theories on when and how gender identity develops is a complex area, it is accepted that children age 3-4 to start to recognise the differences between boys and girls and begin to be influenced by gender-related social expectations. This developing self and social awareness continues through childhood and into the teenage years when puberty starts and the physical differences become more distinct.
Reflection point:
If a young girl says she is a girl and wants to get married to a boy when she grows up how would you feel/respond? If a young girl says she is a boy or wants to marry a girl when she grows up how would you feel/respond? What if a boy wants to dress as a girl and try on his mum’s jewellery? Or a girl wants short hair and stops wearing dresses?
Acknowledging identity in shared environments
Young people have told us that whether a young person is ‘out’ or not, having their identity acknowledged is very important. For example, learning about relationships in school and only hearing about heterosexual and cisgender perspectives or not being able to identify themselves in records when accessing services can be difficult for them.
Practitioner tip – reflect on your own experience
Consider your own upbringing and culture, and think about what has influenced your own perspective on gender – are there some words which feel negative to you or uncomfortable? Why might this be? Different generations have had different messages about gender and sexuality which influence us subtly. You may be from a generation where homosexuality was illegal, or it was illegal to promote it in schools, you may remember the negative associations with HIV and AIDS, how do these messages still affect you now?
Are you from the UK or a different country? Some countries are still very dangerous for LGBTQIA+ people, and they can be imprisoned or sentenced to death for their sexuality or gender identity.
Reflection:
When did you know about your own sexuality and gender? Did it happen at a certain age, or did you always know?
There are interesting and accessible books available on the history of the politics and science of gender, as well as the abundance of gender diversity in the natural world – have a look and see what is available.
Gender identity, representation and the media
Young people want you to know that there are many successful gender diverse people, they highlighted Conchita Wurst who won the Eurovision Song contest in 2014. Have a look at this page showcasing media representation for LGBTQ artists and performers all over the world. Watching TV shows and Films with gender identity storylines and characters can be a helpful way to learn more, as long as you reflect on who made it and what their perspective is/was. This organisation celebrates what they see as ‘fair, accurate and inclusive representation of the LGBTQ community’.
Link: There are many successful gender diverse people in the media – have a look at these annual awards [1]
A) Gender Identities – some helpful terms
Language evolves and changes all the time. This is true for gender and sexuality as well. Over recent years this has been expanding rapidly as society has become more open to difference, the media has become more representative, and people have been able to connect to one another more easily via social media. The list below includes the terms that young people told us they most want practitioners to understand, and we have added a few more that we thought would be helpful. It is not an exhaustive list and is open to change over time. A link to Stonewall’s full list which is kept up to date is shared at the bottom.
Terms like these can be helpful to explore and explain our identities, connect with others, and to define rights and protections. They are individual and personal as well as social and political.
Practitioner tip – reflect on your own experience
What terms do you use to describe your identity? How does this make you feel? Do you belong to any groups with the same identity? Male, Female, White, Asian, Disabled? Mother, Father, Parent? Social Worker, Teacher, Nurse? Sporty, Arty, Academic? How do you feel when you are with someone with the same identity? How do you feel when you are the only person in a group with a different identity. What if you hear negative comments about these characteristics?
Understanding these gender related terms can feel daunting in the beginning – remember the best person to describe their identity is the young person themselves – create a safe, accepting relationship and be curious. Use TED questions (Tell me, Explain, Describe) to help the young person describe how they feel and resist the urge to define, categorise or restrict their sense of self. Check in regularly and keep asking open questions, for example ‘what pronouns would you like me to use, or write in my notes’.
Remember curiosity is important on an individual level in a trustworthy relationship, however it is not the young person’s responsibility to inform or educate you about gender identity in general. You have a responsibility to do your own research and learning. Avoid saying things like ‘this is all new to me, can you explain?’, and instead say ”i’ve been learning about this recently and wonder how it is for you?’
Sex – the genitalia you were born with, biological sex. This cannot be changed for a child medically. For adults there are different views on what this means.
Intersex – A term used to describe a person who may have the biological attributes of both sexes or whose biological attributes do not fit with societal assumptions about what constitutes male or female.
Transgender/Trans – an umbrella term meaning someone’s gender identity doesn’t match with the one assigned to them at birth. Their gender is not their birth sex. Some people over time will move towards dropping the ‘trans’ label using only male/female – some people never identify with the transgender term, just the gender that they are.
Young people have told us that ‘transition’ and ‘transitioning’ are terms that are very important to them, they feel they are an integral part of their journey and identity, and it can feel hard when they hear them in other, unrelated, contexts.
Gender dysphoria/incongruence – a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity. This sense of unease may be so intense it can lead to depression and anxiety and have a harmful impact on daily life. It can also be a progressional process, initially low levels of incongruence with birth gender can increase in severity leading to a more distressing dysphoric state.
Non-binary is a term people use to describe genders that don’t fall into one of the traditional categories, male or female.
Gender expression — the way a person presents themself to society (masculine, feminine, both, or neither)
‘FTM’ – Female to Male ‘MTF’ – Male to Female is a way of expressing the direction a person is transitioning, and can also be an identity itself for some.
Agender is defined as not having a gender. Some agender people describe it as having a “lack of gender,” while others describe themselves as being gender neutral. Some people also use genderless and gender free.
Genderqueer is when someone’s gender identity is neither male nor female, is between or beyond genders, or is some combination of genders. This identity is often related to or in reaction to the social construction of gender, gender stereotypes and the gender binary system.
Gender fluid Gender fluid may refer to a gender which varies over time. Someone who identifies as gender fluid may fluctuate between genders or express multiple genders at the same time. Their gender may also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances.
Gender neutral Someone who feels they are neither male nor female may identify as gender neutral.
Genderfae: Genderfluidity that never encompasses feminine and masculine-aligned genders.
Two Spirit is an umbrella term that encompasses different sexualities and genders, it is a cultural term for some Native American communities and using it outside that can be considered cultural appropriation.
Bigender/Trigender/Pangender: People who feel they are two, three, or more genders. They may shift between these genders or be all of them at the same time.
Demigender. A person who wears clothing, accessories, jewellery or make-up not traditionally or stereotypically associated with their assigned sex.
Omnigender is a term for someone who identifies with several or all genders and can experience each gender separately or at the same time.
B) Sexual orientation
Sexual orientation/sexuality describes who a person is attracted to romantically and sexually. It is not connected to gender identity.
Lesbian A woman who is physically, romantically, and/or emotionally attracted to other women.
Gay A man attracted to other men, or the word used to describe people, who are physically, romantically, and/or emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. This can also be used as an umbrella term to describe all people who are not heterosexual.
Bisexual “the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” (Robyn Ochs)
Queer A derogatory term used historically to criticise or demean homosexual people – this is now being reclaimed by some individuals and groups as a positive identity, and/or to show they are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. They may use this as they find other terms too limiting or too revealing.
Aromantic People who have little or no romantic attraction to others. They may or may not feel sexual attraction. An aromantic person can fall into one of two groups: aromantic sexual people or aromantic asexual people.
Asexual A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviours and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions.
Demi-sexual People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction to someone after they’ve formed a strong emotional bond with them. Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.
Pansexual Pansexuality is sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction towards people of all genders, or regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people might refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others.
Plus + The current acronyms can be seen by some people as limiting and not an accurate reflection of their own lives, histories and identities, so we now have the + at the end of the acronym.
These individuals may be queer, intersex, non-binary, gender queer, pansexual, asexual, etc. Language is always changing, and younger generations are using whatever they feel suits them best.
Questioning To some people, when the Q is seen at the end of LGBT, it can also mean questioning. This term describes someone who is questioning their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
Graysexual people who only experience sexual attraction some of the time, and sometimes not at all. Their level of sexual attraction could fall anywhere from “not normally, but sometimes,” to “enjoys sex only under very specific circumstances.”
There are lots of reputable websites, with national organisations that explain LGBTQIA+ terminology – why not have a look?
C) Fluidity
Gender fluid means that a person is flexible regarding the gender with which they identify. Their gender identity or expression is not fixed and may encompass one gender, multiple genders, or no gender. Their gender identity and expression may also change over time.
Practitioner tip
Fluidity is an identity, and does not mean the person is confused, going through a phase or changing their mind. It’s important to accept how the young person feels at the time and not invalidate how they felt before as they may feel like that again. Avoid words like ‘confused’, ‘phase’ or ‘wait and see’ as these can feel invalidating and hurtful. Check in with young people in a curious and supportive way ‘how do you feel about your gender at the moment?’ give young people a safe space to explore their feelings and identity as they navigate a heteronormative world.
Reflection
How does it feel to you that people’s gender identity could change over time? Does this feel confusing to you, or can you relate to it? It can feel reassuring to know someone is defined in a clear way and that this won’t change, however genderfluidity is an identity in itself. Have you ever noticed how you feel different on different days? We live in a society where fixed definitions are encouraged and seen as an end point, but being human is often much more complex than that.
Think about something you feel very strongly and intuitively about yourself and your life. How would it feel to be told to wait a few years in case you changed your mind? If you identify as female, how would it feel to try and wait a few years to see if that changed before being able to express this fully?
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